One Last Phone Call for Help

One Last Phone Call for Help


KENNETH E. HALL             HOUSTON            PUBLISHED  7/13/2018                     Written May 3, 2012






With the development of intricate copyright laws, using a particular word, or even a phrase, could constitute copyright infringement. For instance, did you know that the sentence "I've fallen and I can't get up!" is registered with the United States Patent and Trade Mark Office? For years it was a cliché catchphrase for a company which provided a sort of portable 911 service. 


I've seen a lot of TV commercials about these devices that folks can wear that will notify some company if you've been incapacitated  on injured in some way. Then they show a battery of "customer service" reps at the ready to take your call!! 

REALLY????? 

For a minute, just for fun, let us imagine that this company was run just like every other company out there: They really do not want to talk to you. Their phone system is a labyrinth of frustrating prompts and recordings, fully intended to annoy and discourage customers (you) from calling them with their silly, stupid problems. 

Just pay us your money regardless of any faults on our part, and leave us the Hell ALONE!. 

These intricate phone systems are there to eliminate a few in-house, minimum wage jobs. They outsource their so-called "Customer Service", not just to save money but also to insulate their company from the riff-raff they should be calling their CUSTOMERS.

So, what if one of these health-monitoring companies were to operate their business in the same way as, say, your bank, your insurance company, or the utility company?

Here is how i believe a desperate call for help might be handled:

BEEP! (The elderly caller who is having a crisis presses a button on her phone.)

VOICE on the other end: "Thank you for calling the Crisis Care Hotline. For English, press one or  say 'English'; para español, oprime el dos, pour fran..." [BEEP] 

RECORDING: "Thank you for calling the Crisis Care Hotline; please enter or say your 53 digit account number....(lengthy pause to cause the caller to enter the information incorrectly)...............followed by the pound sign." 

[Failure to enter that almighty, all-important 'pound-sign' will result in an electronic scolding, as well as a delay of the call, as the caller is forced to do it according to the company's well-thought-out and super-important  Policies and Procedures.

[Be reasonable: do it MY way!]

[a series of beeps] 
"OK, now enter or say your 13 character login number..................pause 
followed by the pound sign." 

[more beeps] 
"OK, now please enter your eight digit PIN..............followed by the pound sign." 

[more beeps, accompanied by the caller's groans of pain] 

 "Thank you. Thank you for calling the Crisis Care Hotline....... Please listen carefully, as our options have changed. (Those stupid options have changed twenty times in the last two years, for the sole purpose of making you wait and listen to the "new" series of annoying prompts.)

For the sales department, press or say ONE, for technical support, please press or say TWO, for billing inquiries, please press or say THREE, for a list of addresses of the Crisis Care store location nearest you, please press or say FOUR, for directions to the Crisis Care Hotline office nearest you, please press or say FIVE [more groans of pain] etc. etc, until.....

If you have an emergency, please press ZERO." 

[BEEP!] 

RECORDING: "Thank you for calling the Crisis Care Hotline, where prompt, personal service and customer satisfaction is NUMBER ONE! 
Now, in a few words, please state the reason you are calling. 

[elderly lady's weak voice comes on the phone:

Old Lady: "HELP! I've FALLEN, and I can't get up!" 

Electronic voice response: "I THINK you said you wanted to be connected to the billing department. Is that correct?"

Old Lady: "NO! I said I've FALLEN, and I can't get up." 

Electronic voice response: "I THINK you said you can't make a payment. Is this correct?" 

Old lady: "NO!" 

All right, just one moment, I will connect you to an agent who can help you. You will hear a series of clicks as you are connected. But before I connect you, did you know that most questions can be answered by going to our website: www.don't-bother-us!!.com." That's RIGHT! You can get help in an emergency, upgrade your status, pay your bill, get handy stock market reports, recipes, and more.


[click! click! etc.] then 
[MUSIC♫♪♫ - really CRUMMY, shrill music that has the desired effect of someone grating fingernails on a blackboard.] 

RECORDING: "Thank you for calling the Crisis Care Help Desk. Your call is VERY important to us, so please stay on the line and an agent will be with you shortly." 

[More cruddy music♫♪♫] 

Your estimated wait time is.....FIVE.....MINUTES..." 

[MORE STINKY MUSIC♫♪♫]

Male Agent Voice: "Thank you for calling "Crisis Care Hotline." This is Peggy. How can I help you?

Old Lady's voice is now barely audible:"I've FALLEN, and I can't get up!" 

AGENT: "Before I can help you, what is your account number?" Old lady: "I just entered it a few minutes ago. I don't know it by heart. I am on the floor in my bathroom. I'm getting weak. I need help!" 

AGENT: "yes, ma'am, but I have to verify some information before I can help you. 
THE NAME? 

Old lady: "Dolores de la Nalga." 

AGENT: "What is your social security number?" 

Old Lady: "Don't you have this on file?" 

AGENT: "Yes, ma'am, but we have to verify that the information is correct. 

Old Lady: "Its 123-45-6547". 

Agent: OK, now what is your address? " She tells him, but again pleads for help.

AGENT (who could care less!):" Your phone number?" 

Old lady: "555-2222" - it's the same number I've had since I started with you people, and it's the number I'm calling in on now! Please HELP ME!!" 

AGENT (unphased): "May I have your voice password, please?" 

Old lady, speaking now in a low whisper: "Butterbeans!"

[a gasp is heard.....then silence] 


AGENT: "All right, Ma'am, now what can I do to help you? [SILENCE] 

AGENT: "Ma'am?......

AGENT: "Ma'am??"

[DIAL TONE]

How does it feel knowing they've got you by the CALLS?!


>>>This is a hypothetical situation intended for entertainment purposes only. 
It is not intended in any way to accuse or infer that life-crisis monitoring companies
provide poor service.  


*Wikipedia says:"According to the United States Patent and Trademark Office, after first applying in October 1990, LifeCall registered the phrase "I've fallen, and I can't get up" as a trademark in September 1992 until its status was cancelled in 1999.