©KENNETH E. HALL APRIL 26, 2014 HOUSTON
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the ๐ฃ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฝ ๐ฉ๐ธ๐ท๐ฎ."
"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the ๐ฃ๐๐ฒ๐ต๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฝ ๐ฉ๐ธ๐ท๐ฎ."
Different strokes for different folks, I always say. Why do I always say that?
Mainly because I'm one of those "different folks!" I'll explain:
Most people are interested in the ordinary, the commonplace, the mundane...and that's fine. Different strokes, etc. But I learned as a child growing up to notcopy people, and to not do something simply because others were doing it - or because "Society" said so.
I learned early on that what I was, in fact, was a human version of the salmon - always swimming upstream. I found it was more difficult swimming against the current, but, strangely enough, I also found it far more rewarding than living a life following others like a sheep.
So, to put it poetically, I took the road less travelled. I developed my own unique interests and tastes - Society be damned. I liked the music I liked - not because some commercial radio station said I should like it.
One thing I began to like early on was the airship - commonly known as the blimp. Blimps fascinated me. If one flew by, I'd run outside and watch it go by. I can't explain exactly why I had such an affinity to that unusual aircraft... maybe it's because it was --- unusual.
Through the years I developed this interest into a sort of hobby - taking photographs of the craft whenever I got the chance, and researching the history of dirigibles and Zeppelins. It was something I did by myself, unless I dragged someone like my mother or my wife or children along as I happily chased a blimp across town.
Funny, for having such an uncommon hobby, whenever a blimp landed at the local airport, there seemed to be quite a number of others on hand, looking and taking pictures of the aerostat - just like me! What do you know!
Later, I became a regular contributor on a lighter-than-air craft website in the internet. It seems as though I wasn't the only lone wolf in the world. There were actually quite a number of us around, which made me happy, because it is fun to share information and also to learn from others.
So it came to pass that this group was going to hold some sort of Lighter-Than-Air technology convention (LTA) in Akron, Ohio.
Why Akron? Well, firstly, it is the home of the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company, which kept blimps flying when the world thought they were extinct. Blimps were actually assembled in Akron and more than a few were based near there for many decades.
Why Akron? Well, firstly, it is the home of the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company, which kept blimps flying when the world thought they were extinct. Blimps were actually assembled in Akron and more than a few were based near there for many decades.
Secondly, the huge Goodyear Airdock hangar, which housed some of the world's largest airships, was also there - in lowly Akron. So it was there that the convention was to be held. I decided I would take my self-developed hobby to a new level and attend this interesting conference. After all, many manufacturers, owners, and operators of blimps would be there, so the information said on the site. "Blimps will fill the skies of Akron" was another boast, because a total of 4 or 5 blimps at least were expected.
This was too good to pass up, I thought, and so I made plans to attend, making reservations at the convention hotel and everything. I was set. I took an plane to Detroit, changed planes there, making a brief stop in Cleveland, and landed finally in Akron - the Lighter-than-air MECCA! It was exciting.
As I deplaned, I thought I was getting off in Akron, Ohio. What I really did was buy a First Class ticket...to the TWILIGHT ZONE!
Now, the first clue that all was not going to go as well as I had anticipated was the fact that there was not a blimp in sight - not a single one! None were flying over the skies of the city, nor were there any at the airport. But there was a second airport across town - maybe they're there, I thought.
I walked into the terminal, and looked around. It looked like any small to medium-sized airport that I had ever been in - and I had been in a lot of them. There was even a Visitor's Information booth, and a gift shop. I was happy. Anticipation was building.
I went to a payphone and called the hotel - a major chain hotel, I might add, located in the heart of downtown, and asked if they had a courtesy van. They answered that they did not. (Unbeknown to me, this was a portent of things to come.) No problem, I thought; I'll just take a bus into town. It's probably not that far.
I went to the Visitors Information booth and asked what the best way to get into downtown was.
"Taxi." came the dry reply of a person who acted like she really didn't want to be there.
TAXI!! Really?? Of course, I'd be delighted to pay $50.00 for a one-way cab ride into town. These guys are the same in every city. For some reason the taxicab lobby seems to be extremely powerful politically, and has in most major metropolitan areas been successful in keeping other forms of transportation well away from city airports.
Here's a secret: nearly every airport in nearly every city in the United States is served by some form of public transportation! The cabbies don't want you to know about it for fear they won't be able to rip you off and you can get an equivalent ride for a fraction of what they'd gouge you for. Instead of $40.00 - $50.00 one way, a city bus or light rail or subway, etc will charge you between $2.00 - $15.00 - depending on what city you happen to be in. The trick is to FIND those facilities. (HINT: They're not usually marked. They don't want you to find them! Low-cost local transportation is for LOCALS. The turistas are fair game, and deserve to be bilked out of every peso they can! THAT is why the word "TAXI" spills from the lips of every airport information person you will ever deal with - it's because that's how their economy survives.
I thanked the lady (for stating the obvious) and as I left, from the corner of my eye, I spied the car rental counters. A-HA! thought I - this could work: I could rent a car for about HALF of what the taxi would charge me, and get a free trip back to the airport - AND be able to use it to run around the area in my free time! I'm a friggin' GENIUS!!
I walked up to the first counter, smiled, and asked how much it was to rent a car for a couple of days for local use. The charge would have come to some $50.00/day PLUS MILEAGE + gas! By the time I added insurance and a few other unmentioned line-items added in for good measure, this car rental idea was turning into an expensive proposition.
"But," I protested, "Don't you guys have weekend specials for $20.00 a day?"
"Oh, sure we do," the clerk replied, and often cheaper than that. But today the rate I just gave you is the best we can do."
I politely thanked her and proceeded to counter #2, where the same scenario played out. The third counter, a so-called " economical" rental firm, actually quoted me higher than the #1 and #2 companies. I was frustrated... and fresh out of car rental options. This would take some creative thinking.
Desirous to clear my brain of angry thoughts, I walked into the gift shop, where I had expected to see some sort of blimp-related souvenirs - maybe some post cards - who knows? Not seeing any, I asked if they had some, and got a, by now, strangely familiar-sounding reply: "Oh, sure we do. Most definitely. Only today we don't have them for sale." the clerk informed me, without bothering to move from her stool behind the counter.
Now, at this juncture I will mention that, at the time, I was an employee of a major U.S. airline, and as such, elligible to fly at greatly reduced fare. I thought it would be fun to pay a visit to my aunt and uncle in Pittsburgh while I was relatively close by. I would get a stand-by ticket to Pittsburgh and leave after the convention.
At the time there were two commuter airlines: the one I arrived from Detroit on, and a second one with which we also had an interline agreement. When I asked if I could get an airline employee stand-by ticket, the people at the first company said: "Sure, sure you can... but not here. You'd have to get it at our Cleveland office."
"What?" I asked, flabbergasted, "I'd have to pay full fare from here to Cleveland, just so I could get a stand-by ticket from here to Pittsburgh? That makes no sense!!"
Apparently it did to them. The second company was less accommodating. They referred me to their home office in another more distant part of the country.
I was beside myself! I just wanted to get to the hotel, get a shower, and have a bite to eat. Against my better judgement, I returned to the so-called "Visitor's Information" counter that had been of so much assistance a few minutes before.
"Excuse me," I said, "Is there any sort of, say, airport limousine service into town?"
"Oh, yes, sir" was the reply, "just go across to that counter over there."
NOW I'm GETTING somewhere!
I walked up to the counter, and lo! and behold there was a big poster with a limousine schedule, and table of charges, sharp color photographs of lovely buses, and everything else that could conceivably be posted about the limo service - with the possible exception of the genealogy of the bus drivers back to the dark ages.
I was thrilled! I asked the person behind the counter where I could catch this lovely limousine to town, and - well - I hate to say this - but the man said: "Oh, sure there's limo service to town... but it's not running today."
It was then and there that I pointed over my shoulders and asked the man to look at my back as I turned around for him to see if my "DUMB YOKEL" sign was on straight.
"I don't understand what you mean, sir," was the reply,
"Look, ever since I arrived in this screwy town, " I continued, in a loud voice - partly for the benefit of workers at the other counters, "all of you guys have had fun at my expense, and must think I'm some kind of HICK who just fell off the turnip truck!" I walked away, not waiting for any inane reply involving sunspot activity or the Van Allen Radiation Belt.
I went up to yet another counter selling I can't remember what, and asked, on the QT "Look, can you level with me? PLEASE? I know there is a city bus stop near here... can't you tell me where it is?
(I PROMISE not to tell anybody…)
"Sure," said the person behind the counter, "It's right there." and pointed to a bus-stop sign just outside the door.
I didn't want to get my hopes up. I was beginning to feel that I was on Green Acres or some such sitcom - the butt of some cynical joke. I walked outside, pulling my suitcase along, and - just to be sure - I asked a policeman if I was standing by the bus stop for the bus that could take me into town. He nodded in the affirmative.
Some twenty minutes later along came a small bus, and it stopped right where I was standing. I paid my fare - guess it was $1.00, and sat down. We started up, and an uncomfortable feeling gradually crept up on me.
"Sir," I inquired, "This IS the bus into downtown, RIGHT??"
"No, sir," the driver corrected me, " You need the other bus. ( I nearly lost it.) "But don't worry..." he added - (after all the BULL I went through at the terminal, why WOULDN'T I worry?!?) But the driver honked his horn as we approached an intersection, tore off a paper from a tablet, and said: "Here, take this transfer and give it to the driver of that bus, and he'll take you right into town!"
I boarded the waiting bus, gave the driver my transfer, and this time lost not a second and asked: "You are going into town, right?"
"Sure I am," he replied, nicely enough. Where are you trying to go?"
"To the ___ hotel," I said, awaiting some sort of goofball reply. It came soon enough -
"Oh I don't go there." he informed me.
"Well, do you go anywhere NEAR there - - - anywhere at ALL near there?" I asked, losing hope by the second.
"Sorry, but I can only drop you off about 5 blocks away, " he told me, as if that was bad news.
"FANTASTIC!!!" I said. If the man had handed me a $500.00 bill I couldn't have been happier - - - I'd soon get to the hotel. That was all I cared about.
It wasn't too long after that that I was dropped off in downtown Akron. I had at last arrived. All will go well from now on, I thought optimistically. I got to the hotel in minutes, walked up to the reception counter, told the desk clerk my name, and that I had a reservation.
He looked diligently through his folios and then looked up at me and said: "No, sir, I'm afraid I don't have a reservation for you."
"I'm sure there must be some mistake, " I protested; but after all, this was AKRON...
"Did you make GUARANTEED reservations?" the clerk asked.
"No, sir, I did not," I admitted...
"Well, I'm sorry, sir, but your reservations have been cancelled, as of 6:00 pm." The clerk explained.
"But it's 6:10 right now..." I protested.
"Exactly!" came the clerk's response, looking quite justified in his stance.
"Well, then, in that case, " I went on, (In the land of the insane, one must act accordingly.) "Do you have any rooms available?"
The desk clerk looked through his folios and replied: "Yes, sir, we do; Would you like a room?"
(NO YOU DARNED FOOL, I'M HERE FOR AN OIL CHANGE!!!!!!)
I must think calm thoughts.
I must think calm thoughts.
I must think calm thoughts.
"Yes, I'd love one." I replied, biting my tongue and smiling at the clerk, whose neck I'd have happily wrung in a New York second, and I'm a peaceful man.
"I'm here with the LTA convention" I added, though I don't really know why I said that. There was only one going on then, apparently, and he knew about it. Whaddaya know - I got the convention discount. I wasn't going to push that issue... so I guess even a blind squirrel finds an occasional nut.
I went to my room, took a long, hot shower (the water actually worked), got dressed, and decided to challenge the ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐ธ ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐๐๐ once again. I was hungry, and went down to see about getting something to let my poor stomach know that my throat hadn't been cut. I hadn't had so much as a peanut since I departed my home in Houston this morning.
The hotel restaurant looked inviting, but this was too mainstream for me. I couldn't be bothered with the commonplace - the mundane. Oh, no - not ME!! I was sure that there was a road-less-travelled out in Akron that would lead me to some exotic and inexpensive restaurant - offering great food and eclectic atmosphere. I think the carbon monoxide from the bus must have gotten to my brain!!!
I walked around the city, and took in all its sights, such as they were. The city boasted clean, new, nicely-paved streets and was beautifully decorated with flower gardens everywhere. I passed quite a few bars, but no restaurants. None at all. Not even a hamburger joint! Now my stomach began to give me pangs I hadn't felt since I was a kid in high school!
One funny thing I noticed: every here and there, guys who'd pass me on the sidewalk would say "hi!" and wave to me, like they knew me or something. Now, I'm a friendly guy, I'll be the first to admit; this, however, was something I had never seen before. I finally found out why I was all of a sudden some kind of celebrity in this town I'd never been to before: It was my SHIRT!!
A few years before this visit, while passing through Akron en-route to Cleveland from Pittsburgh by car, I stopped in at the Goodyear company store (they were actually open!) and bought a beautiful shirt with a Goodyear BLIMP on it! That was IT - everybody in the city worked for Goodyear, one way or other. These guys were my brothers in tire and rubber production, by golly!
Goodyear or good will - I still needed to eat - and there was no food in sight. So, sadly, unrequited, I returned to the hotel, where I learned that I had walked around for so long that the doggone hotel restaurant was closed!!!! Really!!! SERIOUSLY???!?!??
Seeing my plight and frustration, the conciรจrge sent me upstairs to the bar, where they had some light snacks, and I was treated to a big bowl of the best French onion soup I have ever had to this very day - even in Paris!! I must've been hungry.
The convention began the following morning, and was smaller that I has envisioned, but very interesting, nonetheless. No blimps filled the skies, as was foretold. The two blimps that Daned to make their appearance were, as I suspected, not flying and were moored at the other airport - and I have already mentioned my not having transportation.
The following evening, after the meetings were over, I called the University of Akron, inquiring into their archives of lighter-than-air craft. Over the phone came the same out-worn, pre-recorded reply that I had heard so many times before: " Oh, sure, yes we have the world's largest collection of lighter-than-air materials. But unfortunately..." (I really didn't want to hear anything more about dinosaur poo or ray guns, or whatever wild reason the guy was going to give me for telling me I was SOL)
"We are undergoing major renovations. Come back later - it's going to be great!" the guy finished. Whatever!
I hung up the phone and said aloud to myself: "Come back?? COME BACK?? Are you frigging KIDDING me?? I wouldn't come back to this LOONEY-BIN for all the tea in China!
I paid my bill downstairs - amazingly enough they took my credit card. I tried not to think at all. I asked where the Greyhound bus station was, got directions, and I walked some two miles to it. The next bus to Pittsburgh didn't leave for another two hours, and once again I was getting hungry. (This happens to me every so often - it's a bad habit I'm trying not too successfully to break.)
From my seat in the tiny bus depot I spied, of all places, a hamburger joint. It was a chain I would rather avoid; in fact, this was the LAST place I'd EVER want to eat, but given my previous experience walking the gastronomically-challenged streets of downtown Akron, this was "any port in a storm." My stomach growled in discontent, and the storm clouds were gathering!
I crossed the street can began circling the little fast-food place, in a vain search for the entrance. I stopped to scratch my head, when an employee exited the place through a side door.
"Excuse me," I asked, "But where it the entrance?"
"This is a drive-thru only" replied the girl.
I pointed to my suitcase, then to the bus station across the street, and said: "Do I LOOK like I can drive through?"
"No," replied the girl, as if she could care less.
"Can't I just get a hamburger?" I protested. (Remember... this is AKRON...)
"No, sir, you have to have a car."
HOLD MY HAND WHILE I ZAP MYSELF DOWN TO HOUSTON TO GET MY CAR, DINGBAT!!
Once more I found myself frustrated beyond belief. Then I saw it: a convenience store!!
I walked in. Sounds of Arabic music met my ears.
I saw some sandwiches sitting on the counter. I picked one up and walked up to the counter.
The clerk was obviously Palestinian, so after the customary greeting es-salaam aleikum, I asked him, in Arabic, if the sandwiches were for sale. He said they were. I asked him did he take American money, and he also said yes, with a somewhat mystified look on his face. I continued: "So if I give you American money for this sandwich, I can take it, and I can eat it - today - now?"
"Not from around here, are you?" he asked.
"Ana ajnabi." - I'm a foreigner" I replied I was indeed a stranger there, "And this is a strange place indeed!" I continued.
Nothing made me happier than seeing AKRON through the rear window of that Greyhound bus. If it pleases the ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐ธ ๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐๐๐ (and Almighty Allah!) I shall never see the place again.
My bus trip was uneventful, my visit to my family in Pittsburgh was enjoyable, and I flew down later to Houston, with no further crazy events. I drove home from the airport, and, as I turned into my subdivision, I heard a familiar drone of an aircraft engine coming from the skies above...........
............I stopped my car and got out - and watched a GOODYEAR BLIMP fly overhead.
THE STORY YOU HAVE JUST READ IS TRUE. IT HAPPENED EXACTLY AS DESCRIBED, WITH NO EMBELLISHMENTS OR CHANGES - JUST THE FACTS. I DOUBT IF JAMES THURBER COULD HAVE WRITTEN A SHORT STORY TO APPROACH MY TRUE ONE.
THE NEXT TIME I SEE ANY SORT OF INFORMATION INVOLVING LIGHTER-THAN-AIR ACTIVITIES IN AKRON, I WILL IMMEDIATELY DISMISS IT. LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT.
THE STORY YOU HAVE JUST READ IS TRUE. IT HAPPENED EXACTLY AS DESCRIBED, WITH NO EMBELLISHMENTS OR CHANGES - JUST THE FACTS. I DOUBT IF JAMES THURBER COULD HAVE WRITTEN A SHORT STORY TO APPROACH MY TRUE ONE.
THE NEXT TIME I SEE ANY SORT OF INFORMATION INVOLVING LIGHTER-THAN-AIR ACTIVITIES IN AKRON, I WILL IMMEDIATELY DISMISS IT. LIFE IS JUST TOO SHORT.
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