MILLENNIUM PEOPLE

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: I left my passport on the hotel van one day. The following morning, I realized that I must had dropped it somewhere, and, in a slight panic I asked the girl at the front desk if someone had turned in a passport. 
She asked me:"Did it have your picture on it?"          I wish I could make one of those Jay Leno "you're kidding, right?" faces!!!

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: I was early for a flight so I decided to grab a cup of Jo at a coffee specialty coffee shop in the airport in Houston. While waiting my turn I noticed a large display of boxes and a sign advertising Kona coffee from Hawai'i. I recall trips to Honolulu and the robust Kona coffee they raise there! When it was my turn, I asked the man if I could have a Kona coffee. He looked dumbfounded and asked:"What's a CONE o'coffee?"      Where's Jay Leno when you need him!

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: On an overnight flight to Paris from Houston, which took off late one evening, a young lady approached a flight attendant and asked: "Sir, why is it dark outside?" The attendant, quick as thought, replied: "Oh, you didn't see the WEATHER REPORT??" The lady's eyes widened, and replied: "No... what did it say?" "The weather report said that it would get DARK tonight... and would remain dark all the way until morning, when it would begin to get light again." "Wow!" said the young lady, surprized. "But that's not all..." "What else?" queried the girl, who now wore a rather disturbed look. "It's going to happen again TOMORROW NIGHT, too!" Mystified, the girl returned to her seat, to ponder the strange cosmic events now unfolding outside her window. 

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: Coming home from a flight one day, I was in the parking lot heading to my car when I spied a young lass who looked rather upset. As I neared where she was, I noticed that her car had a flat tire. "Oh, sir," she pleaded, "Could you help me? My car has a flat tire!" I agreed, and began to work on changing her tire for her, when she took out her cellphone and made a call: "Oh, Daddy! I'm in trouble. My car has a flat tire!" She went on: "But this nice man is helping me and is fixing it." Joking, I told her: "Hey , tell your daddy that I't not too bad - - - it's only flat on the bottom." She nodded, and said: "Oh, Daddy, I have some good news: the nice man said it was only flat on the bottom!" 

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: My mother passed away several years ago, and as executor of the estate I had the sad duty of filing insurance claims, etc. One place I called, I told the lady that I was notifying them that my mother had passed away. She asked me if she could speak with my mother personally. Shocked, I replied:"I'd appreciate it if you would! And would you mind asking her if she arrived in Heaven all right?" There was a silence on the line. I was transferred to someone else without another word.

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: Recently on a flight two teenagers asked for a whole can of soda each. The inflight staff was low on what they asked for, so the flight attendant asked:" Hey, can you guys sing?" They looked up at him with a bewildered expression and replied in the affirmative. "Good!" he replied, giving them 2 cups of ice and placing one single can in between them. "So, here: be like Sonny, and SHARE!" They gave him a blank stare and asked:"Who's Sonny and Chèr?" It was HIS turn to look bewildered !

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE: A few years ago I went to the French Consulate to renew my visa. All was quiet until this dork from Guyana starts screaming - SCREAMING at the consular staff. (FYI: this is NOT a career-enhancing move!) After some further ranting and histrionics the man paused and said: "But these documents are in FRENCH!!!" I looked at him as to say:"Yu vas expektink maybe LITHUANIAN?!?" French are a very visual people. A facial expression - however small - can say volumes. The consular lady looked at me just then and saw my incredulous reaction. She had the man sit down and cool his heels for awhile. She then called me, and prepared me my visa in less than 10 minutes, without my having to ask.

MILLENNIUM PEOPLE sit in their airplane seats with their earphones on, zoned in on their movie. After asking them FOUR TIMES if they'd like a drink and being TOTALLY IGNORED, the flight attendant moves on. Once she passes by........ they scream bloody murder that the person DELIBERATELY passed them by!!!

MILLENNIUM NEWS REPORT: In the confusion and anxiety that followed the tragic bombing of the Boston Marathon, I was watching the events unfold on TV. , and a news ticker stated on the bottom of the screen: "a person of interest is an injured person, and is either a perpetrator or a victim." …as opposed to WHAT? 


MILLENNIUM WRITING STYLES: 

1. MY style - I rewrite TITANIC thusly: "In the latter days of the 19th Century, in a beautiful green valley in Wales, black-face miners descended into the dirt and darkness of an anthracite pit, and re-emerged the following day with cartfuls of freshly-hewn coal. Little did they know that these unassuming black rocks would be used to forge the steel to build a mighty yet ill-fated luxury liner, the TITANIC!!! .…" …continued. 

2. My son's minimalist Millennium abridged version: "THE SHIP SANK!"      Any questions?


MILLENNIUM DRIVERS: Rude and aggressive drivers seem to be more prevalent than before. Changing lanes can really offend people, mainly because they think they own the road. Once you're in a lane, you're stuck! Here's how to deal with Millennium drivers: before you change lanes, signal for a lane change to the OPPOSITE lane and pretend you are going to pull over into it. While all these jerks in SUV's and BMW's are speeding up to prevent you from coming in, you EASE into the lane you wanted.  Oh, and if a COP pulls you over for doing it, tell him the story. He'll get such a kick out if the explanation that he just MIGHT let you go!!

MILLENNIUM TV REPAIR:  The TV breaks and is under warranty. A lady gets her made-in-China cellphone and dials  
1-800-CUSTOMERBEDAMNED and gets a person in Bombay, who dispatches a Vietnamese repairman in his made-in-Japan car to repair her Korean-made TV. Whose country's MONEY is being used? 

MILLENNIUM SHOESHINE BOY: A man heads for a taxi at the airport in Rio de Janeiro, and outside the terminal, he puts down his suitcases for the driver to stow. A young itinerant shoeshine boy, (now called footwear enhancement engineer), comes up with  shoeshine box box in hand. "Shine, Mister?"  The man agrees and gets a cursory shoeshine, and gives the young man the customary US$2.00. The young man says indignantly: "Your money isn't worth anything now!" Baffled, the gentleman asks: "Do you want me to take the money back?"  "No," said the boy, no doubt expecting another dollar. Next visit, same two people, the boy says: "Shoe shine, Mister?" "No, thanks, " came the reply, "our money isn't worth anything!" and he got in his cab and left.