A Silly Argument

21 September, 2014

Houston, TX

"...when I'm out with my Honey on a moonlit night, in my brand-new AUTOMOBILE!!" - Barbershop Quartet song

One day I was looking out the front door just in time to see the mailman make his rounds and deposit a number of items into our nondescript metal box or can. I walked down the walk, returned with a copious amount of what my grandfather would have facetiously called "valuable mail." It was anything but!

I spread all of this mass of cellulose out onto the dining room table until only about ¼ of the original usable space remained. That area I left clear for sorting out this newly-arrived batch of correspondence. 

I remarked to myself that it has been many years since I last got a real, honest-to-goodness letter from anybody. That is mainly because people who used to write letters are all deceased. I did, however, have several items in the pile worth mentioning.

There was a mis-delivered water bill for someone living in the next block, several bills, as well as one or two miscellaneous items.

I got the seventeenth bill for that hospital stay I had six months ago. Not only did I get a bill for the hospital itself, and for the attending physician, but also I have gotten bills for radiology, a pharmacy bill, lab work, a vet bill for the head-nurse's dog, and bills for two physicians that the AMA has no record of. I think one other doctor sent me a bill for just driving by the hospital. 

The remaining 85% was - you guessed it - advertising. One was stamped "OFFICIAL URGENT CORRESPONDENCE! OPEN IMMEDIATELY!" I knew it was junk mail the minute I saw "URGENT" stamped all over it. So I put it aside to be opened last. That'll show 'em!

I brought a waste-paper basket close to the table, and gave each piece of paper a cursory glance before consigning it to the round filing cabinet on the floor.

There were a few envelopes full of coupons, but they never seemed to be for anything I wanted to buy!! Besides, every time I did see a coupon I thought I could use, I'd duly put it aside with numerous others, tucked safely away until three or four days after it expires, when I'd take it down to whatever department store sent it to me, in vain hopes of getting a bargain on vacuum-cleaner bags or socks. 

Once again the minimum-wage clerk who can't even make change without an intergalactic computerized register to direct her quickly locates the microdots onto which the expiration date has been printed, and takes great delight in informing me that none of the SIXTEEN coupons I brought with me today are valid.

So much for that. I am just not a coupon kinda guy.

 

Back to the mail-opening. 

I finally got down to the very last piece of mail - the one marked Urgent! Open Immediately!

It was, just as I unsuspected, advertising. It was from a nationally-known company announcing a SWEEPSTAKES!!

(I wonder if there is anybody in the world who has ever won one of those things?!)

"Enter today and you could be the winner of a brand-new Porsche automobile!!" the ad began. 

About this time, my wife came into the dining room, and saw I had manage to make chaos out if confusion once again. She saw the ad, and chuckled, asking:"So tell me - what would you do if you entered this contest and won that Porsche?"

I answered, quick as thought: "I'd KEEP it, of course!" Hey, a guy can DREAM, can't he?

"What?" She asked, in shock and disbelief. "Do you have any idea how much insurance would be on that thing?? And besides," she continued,"a Porsche costs more brand-new than this house is worth. If I had my way, I'd SELL it the day we got it."

"Aww, that's a TERRIBLE thing to do. It's a PORSCHE, for goodness sake. We could drive it for six months or so, and then sell it," I answered in typical guy fashion.

"What? Are you crazy?" She kept up, but by now she had stopped smiling. "Money doesn't grow on trees. We have more use for that money than for an expensive toy you can use to impress your buddies!"

I have to admit, I was getting just the slightest bit peeved at the way she reacted to the mere possibility of winning an automobile most people can't afford to dream of owning. I was adamant. I would stick to my guns, by golly!

"I say we're KEEPING it!" I insisted.

"And I say we SELL it!!" my

wife retorted. 

During this last bit of conversation, out teenage daughter, Eileen, walks in. "What are you guys arguing about?" she queried innocently.

"I want to KEEP the Porsche, and your mother wants to SELL it!!" I said, just slightly miffed.

"WE WON A PORCHE!!!!????" She squealed with glee, jumping up and down as she asked that perfectly understandable question.

"No, of COURSE not," came my reply. "There's this sweepstakes, and the main prize is a Porsche. I hadn't planned on entering it, though. I'll only get more junk mail." 

"WHAT?? You guys are arguing about keeping or selling a car that you don't even HAVE??!! I swear I have a CRAZY FAMILY!" She said, throwing her arms up in the air and leaving the den for the kitchen.

My wife and I looked at each other for a second, then we broke out in gales of laughter. 

"I swear I have one crazy family!" came our daughter's voice from the kitchen.

"I guess she's right!" I told my wife, as I watched the last piece of junk mail tumble into the waste paper basket.