Tales Out of School: A MONITOR WITHOUT CHRISTIAN SCIENCE

To this day, the word “monitor” brings back a strange school memory: My first grade teacher Mrs. H. would, from time to time, need to leave the class unattended – for unspecified amounts of time – varying from five minutes to as much as a half hour. (What could have been so important that a teacher would leave twenty-some-odd SIX-YEAR-OLDS completely unattended for ANY length of time?!?!)

She would assign one of the students at random to be class “monitor” – that is, class RAT – and if you so much as sneezed funny, the brat in charge would write your name down on "THE LIST" – and without due process or any questioning whatsoever, punishment was meted out to the accused forthwith. It was effective, I must say: the kids of my class would always be as “good as gold” (as my grandmother would say).

One day it fell upon my lot to be class monitor. No sooner than Mrs. H. left the building, some kid said: "HEY! Let’s throw BOOKS!” And with that the ruckus had begun!!! The air was soon filled with every kind of tome imaginable – soon to be followed by other missiles not nearly as agreeable. Pencils, erasers, rulers and wadded up paper began to fly as well. Then COTTAGE CHEESE began to hit the blackboard! The kids all squeeled with delight as chunks of the white stuff went SPLAT onto the board, then oozed down.

There was a general uproar and din added for good measure. All Bedlam had broken out!

I was aghast! I had no authority – and what was I going to do: write EVERYBODY’S name down on the naughty list? This was something I had never seen - before or since, and here I was - in charge - yet powerless to control anything. 

The books, paper,cottage cheese and the like flew, and, at the peak of the misbehavings, it was, of course, at this very instant that Mrs. H. walked in! “The spit hit the sand,” as my mother would say. It goes without saying that the entire class was deemed guilty, which it was most certainly. 

Oh, but there was a special bit of punishment set aside for ME! I was sent to the office immediately to explain what had taken place on my watch. It seems that I was actually BLAMED for, in the principal’s own words, “holding a Book-Throwing Party”. 

I was now annointed the Little Prince of Pandemonium, and the Maharaja of Mayhem - the envy of incorrigibles everywhere, but unlike the Mad-Hatter throwing an unauthorized un-birthday party, I was accused not of having high tea, but of having had a high time of it by filling the air with Undesirable Flying Objects. Nobody seemed to care that I was, in reality, the only one in the class who threw NOTHING!

Besides being lectured and punished at school, it was "Bad Day at Black Rock" for me when I got home! My mother heard an earful from the school principal, and refused to believe that I was totally blameless in the affair, despite my pleading my innocence. I think that her totally disbelieving me in this hurt more than all the punishment I received from both school and her.

"Lead, follow, or get out of the way!" is a cliché saying. Since I am by no means a follower, and refuse to lead, as the Texaco tank trucks slogan in the 1950's went:  "sound your horn...the road is yours!"

Take a leading role in something? I don't think so!! An old jazz song said it best: "Yes, Sir! That sounds like a great opportunity - for somebody - it's gotta be somebody else... NOT ME!!"