MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD

11 January, 2015

Houston, TX 

Mrs. Chaney Gets a Fright!

Mrs. Chaney was an old, practically deaf lady who lived with her daughter, Marguerite, in the river-side of a shotgun on d'Abadie Street, near the Fair Grounds. 

Her little back yard ended at the old cypress fence at my grandparents' side yard. 

Next to her, in a tidy single house with a neatly-manicured lawn, lived two widow ladies: Miss Pauline and Miss Pearl. 

These two sisters used to get up at the crack of dawn every day, and hang out their laundry on a line. 

Soon enough, one of the two would call out loudly: "ChaaaNEEE!!! OH, Chaney!!"

I know about this, because, between the banging of galvanized buckets on the concrete, and the hollering over the fence for Miss Chaney, it was hard to get any sleep after 5:00am!

As a young boy, I slept in an upstairs bedroom overlooking Miss Pauline and Miss Pearl's tiny back yard.

I'd throw open the sash, and listen in attentively to the latest neighborhood gossip. 

For awhile, they didn't know I was there, but one day I chimed in, as if I was part of the conversation, and the ladies were startled to see a little boy looking down on their morning activities, and commenting uninvited on something they were saying. 

I'm my defense, it was hard NOT to hear everything that was said, since they had to speak loudly on account of Mrs. Chaney's deafness and all. 

I have a sneaking suspicion they changed some of the content of the gossip from then on, knowing there were little ears listening. 

Mrs. Chaney was known throughout the neighborhood as the "Deaf Old Lady," and some people thought that was funny. I saw nothing at all amusing - the poor lady couldn't hear well. What's funny about that?

My grandfather even told her:"Chaney, you're so deaf, you can't even hear yourself poop!"

"HEIN?" she said. 

My grandfather had to repeat the silly question all the louder, to the delight of a few passing neighborhood urchins, who busted out laughing. I really think he asked her that for the benefit of those kids.

"Oh, I don't DO that! was the ladylike reply. 

One day there was quite a ruckus at my grandpaw's. Mrs Cheney was screaming, and she was quickly joined by Miss Pauline and Miss Pearl, hollering "ALFRED! ALFRED!! Come here!"

Right away, both my grandfather and my grandmother burst out of the side door, and went up to the fence to see what all the commotion was about. 

I was inside, too, but quickly made a beeline for where the action was. 

I got there just in time to see my grandfather run out of the front gate and disappear around the corner. 

It seems as though Mrs. Chaney had somewhat older plumbing fixtures. There was no grid to keep things from coming up the toilet drain. 

That day, a huge RAT had emerged from Mrs. Cheney's toilet, and was running around in her bathroom!

When I heard what happened, I nearly split my sides laughing! 

I laughed so hard and so loud that my grandmother began to fuss at me to cut it out. That made me laugh all the more - if such a thing was possible!

I heard my grandfather's voice coming from over the fence. There was a great deal of noise and a few off-color words from the frustrated Merchant Marine.   

Between all the shrieking and yelling of the three ladies, my squealing with laughter, my grandmother's fussing, and my grandfather's yelling and cussing - not mention loud banging noises coming from the Cheney house, the whole neighborhood began to assemble at our front gate. Nearly everybody within a block or two came to see what all the fuss was about. 

Soon enough, all was quiet once again. My grandfather returned wet and disheveled, but triumphant! What came up through the sewage pipe was what my grandfather described as a "River Rat" - a mean, nasty thing almost as big as a CAT! How (or why!) it managed to slither through the commode was beyond all comprehension. 

Although eager to tell the tale of how he slew the beast, more eager still was my grandfather to shed his soiled duds and take a long, soapy bath. 

I wanted to see the creature, but was admonished that rats carry many diseases, and were filthy creatures. That I believed. 

It was probably the very next day that a new chamber pot was installed at Mrs. Chaney's. The plumber personally guaranteed that it was a physical impossibility for any rodent to pass through the grate in the toilet he just installed. 

Mrs. Chaney later confesses to her neighbors that she was somewhat leery about using it, or even going into her bathroom, but after all, one must heed Nature's Call, right?

The only thing lingering was one question I had: Was Mrs. Chaney ON the toilet when the rat burst out of the sewer??

Sadly, this was a detail that all those involved took to their graves. Thus this was left up to a 7-year-old's wildest imagination.