© KENNETH E/ HALL 26 Aug. 2014 Houston
"Customers Are Not Always Right, But They Are Always The Customer!"
So many things can and do happen on an airplane. These are several more of my memorable experiences. Though I have had mostly pleasant ones, a few of these were not so nice.
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IS LASAGNA PASTA???
"AIRPLANE FOOD!!! Oh, YUMMY!!" said no-one.... EVER! True enough, the food served on airplanes these days has gotten better. But though it is much-improved, it is still AIRPLANE FOOD! People do not ride in airplanes to eat; they do so to get to their destination. Most people are not interested in having a gourmet meal en route to a business meeting or to Grandma's Place. That's MOST people.
Airplane food is not cooked up by master chefs in a great four-star kitchen somewhere on another floor of the 737. This comes as no surprise to the seasoned traveler, and quite often they bring along a takeout box from a favorite eatery for that very reason. Some certain few folks who usually sit in the first two rows of each cabin in coach are different.
ALWAYS.
These people somehow feel the overwhelming need to bring an inordinate amount of attention to themselves during check-in, boarding, and subsequently throughout the rest of the flight. Mealtime gives these people ample opportunity to do this. Meal service has begun. Flight attendants have just heated up the food and are now trying with great difficulty to get the meal carts up the crowded, narrow isles to begin serving the passengers. There is always a beautiful in-flight magazine in every seat pocket, which describes the menu du jour (usually chicken or beef). It is the goal of the inflight crew to distribute these meals quickly - because they are hot, but not steaming, and there are (surprisingly) OTHER PEOPLE on the plane - besides those in the first two rows of coach - who would also like to eat. Here is where the fun begins!
The flight attendant on the top of the bar cart asks the people on the very first row of Economy Class if they care for chicken or beef. For some reason, this seems a perplexing question to the first person addressed, who has this deer-in-the-headlights look in their eyes.
"What are my options?" asks the first person....
"Would you like - chicken or beef? "
"What's the chicken, and what's the beef?" they sometimes ask, wanting to start a long-winded conversation at an inopportune moment, asking a rhetorical question before a captive audience. As for me, I never understood this. Do they want the Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, and Species of everything that has ever been alive in the simple fare offered?
When asked what they mean by this, they answer verbatim: "How is it prepared?"
Now, nobody from the flight crew was present to watch the Cordon Bleu Chef slice and dice, so this is a tough question to answer, and we do not have Julia Child on our speed-dial list.
I GUESS they want to know what it comes with - but nobody EVER asks that question that way.
The flight attendant doing the asking is responsible for the beverages, and usually has not been thoroughly briefed as to exactly, precisely what ingredients are in the now-cooling dishes offered on today's flight.
Then there ensues a great deal of conversation between the flight attendants as to what today's Chef Selections EXACTLY are, and when it is determined that it is roast beef with potatoes or chicken with rice, this, for some reason, seems to quite satisfy the fine diner, as a great deal of fuss has been made on his or her account. So, they finally make their selection.
The second passenger is now asked the exact same question, and is met with the exact same look of total and complete bewilderment. The question is again asked, whereupon the passenger looks directly at the flight attendant and waits until the flight attendant stops talking. Then the passenger SLOWLY removes the headphones and asks: "What is it?"
Patience is a virtue, and flight attendants everywhere are the world's most virtuous people! What is thought at this moment I will not write down here. Suffice it to say that this form of antisocial activity is definitely not conducive to the swift completion of our appointed task.
The customer may then further add to the complexity of a very simple query by begging the question: "What do you recommend?"
REGARDLESS of the reply, whatever choice is recommended, the passenger invariably replies with the second, unrecommended selection.
[After some twenty years of flying, I had long ceased giving a recommendation. One day, out of curiosity, I actually asked just why it was that they wanted a recommendation. The answer surprised and angered me: "I just wanted to see what you were pushing!"
NICE! The reason flight attendants may be "pushing", say, chicken over beef, is because there often is a lopsided number of items provided by catering. By "pushing" the item supplied in the greater quantity, we try to even out the amount of meals on hand so that everyone - yes, even those at the end of the long, long aisle, will hopefully get their desired option. Some people like to mess up that system just because they CAN.]
Repeat this scenario with several variations for the next four or five passengers and drinks can, at long last, finally be served.
[Rule here: twenty minutes to take care of the first two rows, and twenty minutes for the rest of the plane. This happens on every flight at every service.]
HASTA LA PASTA, BABY!!
One day on a Japan flight, we served Lasagna as one of the options. The first gentleman I came to in the second zone of Economy Class decided to be the Galloping Gourmet. Now, I like people who take their food seriously. I was a regular viewer of Anthony Bourdain! But it must be remembered that we are not in a four-star restaurant - we are in an AIRPLANE. I am a flight attendant - not a French waiter looking for a big tip. I'm just a guy doing his job - or striving ever so strenuously to do so.
"Sir, would you like Chicken with rice or pasta?"
"What kind of pasta do you have?"
(This guy obviously knows his zitti, penne, farfalle, caneloni, and his manicotti, all right!)
"It's LASAGNA!" I told him, giving this gourmet a sincere smile and since it is the "entitled" row, I go the extra mile, showing him the little rectangular dish it came on.
The guy pops off on me, screaming: "Lasagna is NOT PASTA!"
Could've fooled me - at least the stuff inside is made of semolina [from the ancient Latin simila, meaning 'flour', itself a borrowing from Greek σεμίδαλις (semidalis), "groats". He wants to DEBATE me, and all I want to do is serve the rest of the seventy or so people who are waiting for their luke-warm food.
I felt like calling him a PAZZO, but that's not how I roll. The word "snarky" also came to mind...
"Do you want the Lasagna or the chicken?" I asked again, politely.
"I don't want to eat tonight." he says.
"Grazie mille!" I tell him --- and moved on.
Of the many, many things that I saw, did, and experienced while a flight attendant, this thing - the dealing with the people in the very first two rows of each cabin - is something I will most assuredly NOT miss!
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漢字はきれいに書かれていますが、乗客は不愉快です。
(NICE KANJI - NOT NICE PERSON)
On one Japanese flight, I was pushing the heavy bar cart up the aisle when I saw a young Caucasian man writing something in Japanese - in excellently-written Kanji. Being an aficionado of the Chinese-based characters that make up an integral part of the Japanese written language, I was very impressed indeed. I commented: "Your Kanji is BEAUTIFUL!"
The young man looked over at me with a sardonic expression on his face, and said: "I'm glad you approve!"
And turned back to his writing.
Because of him, I swore then and there I would NEVER EVER compliment another person on their linguistic ability, no matter what the persuasion.
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♫ I BEEN EVERYWHERE, MAN! ♫
17 August, 2014 - I was on the fourth day of a 4-day pairing. In just four short days, I had been to more cities than Johnny Cash! Today was easy, though - just one teensy-weensy trip back home to Houston from a layover in Austin. I wasn't at all used to this up-and-down stuff. I wasn't used to arriving in an airport without having to show my passport and go through Customs and Immigration, either. This was a brief but hectic taste of what it was to be a "Domestic" Flight Attendant.
When I landed safe and sound for the humpteenth time, but happily home at last, I posted this on Facebook: “Day 4 so far so good. I had great crews! I told them at the beginning that I was strictly International, and asked them (jokingly) to please do me a big favor and help me out: I asked if they all could speak English with foreign accents, to make me feel at home.
They told me to go pound sand. Made me feel like I was back home all right - in New Orleans!!”
♫ STORMY WEATHER ♫
On one flight to Austin, I was the Lead - this meant that I made all of the announcements, etc. Our flight was an incredible ½ hour. The captain had advised us during our pre-departure briefing, that we were going to pass through the remnants of a Cat. One hurricane... that we should not do any service, but rather remain seated in our jumpseats for the duration of the long, ½ hour flight. Regardless of what occurs on a flight, announcements must be made, so I picked up the mike and made my usual, cheery welcome speech. I had no good news about refreshments, so I stated truthfully: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in my announcements I would have informed you that we would be coming in the aisles for a beverage service. However, the Captain has informed me that we should remain seated with our seat belts attached, because will be passing through a zone of.....TURBULENCE!!!
On one flight to Austin, I was the Lead - this meant that I made all of the announcements, etc. Our flight was an incredible ½ hour. The captain had advised us during our pre-departure briefing, that we were going to pass through the remnants of a Cat. One hurricane... that we should not do any service, but rather remain seated in our jumpseats for the duration of the long, ½ hour flight. Regardless of what occurs on a flight, announcements must be made, so I picked up the mike and made my usual, cheery welcome speech. I had no good news about refreshments, so I stated truthfully: "Ladies and gentlemen, at this point in my announcements I would have informed you that we would be coming in the aisles for a beverage service. However, the Captain has informed me that we should remain seated with our seat belts attached, because will be passing through a zone of.....TURBULENCE!!!
As if on-cue, the aircraft shuttered and rolled noticeably from one side to the other,which startled quite a few - myself included. After the turbulence subsided, which it did after just a minute, I picked up the mike and said calmly: "See what I mean?"Robin Williams would have been proud of the laughs I got on that one!
𝒫𝒶𝓇𝓁𝑒𝓏-𝓋𝑜𝓊𝓈 𝒻𝓇𝒶𝓃ç𝒶𝒾𝓈?
Parlez-vous français?
On that same flight to Austin, we had a layover. Those ½ hour flights can be exhausting! We deplaned and quickly located the crew van which would take us to our hotel. I was a qualified French Interpreter, but at the time I was on reserve. My usual trips to Paris were relegated to the occasional flight, and other assignments naturally did not require the services of a French language speaker. As fate would have it, another person who was called out for this lengthy ½ hour adventure was another French speaker. Our Captain, it turned out, was Vietnamese, and he spoke fluent French as well.
We boarded the small van, all conversing in French. Pretty soon, the driver, who was Tunesian, also joined into the conversation. Soon enough, he asked where we were coming from. We answered "Houston". He repeated his question - "No, where are you coming from?" We again gave him the same answer - not getting his meaning.
"You mean you are on a DOMESTIC flight?" he asked, surprised.
We nodded.
"It is a DOMESTIC flight, but you have a French-speaking crew?! he continued.
"Mais bien sûr!" I replied - but of COURSE!
My colleagues and I got a giggle out of that one.
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Just GET ME THERE!𝒫𝒶𝓇𝓁𝑒𝓏-𝓋𝑜𝓊𝓈 𝒻𝓇𝒶𝓃ç𝒶𝒾𝓈?
Parlez-vous français?
On that same flight to Austin, we had a layover. Those ½ hour flights can be exhausting! We deplaned and quickly located the crew van which would take us to our hotel. I was a qualified French Interpreter, but at the time I was on reserve. My usual trips to Paris were relegated to the occasional flight, and other assignments naturally did not require the services of a French language speaker. As fate would have it, another person who was called out for this lengthy ½ hour adventure was another French speaker. Our Captain, it turned out, was Vietnamese, and he spoke fluent French as well.
We boarded the small van, all conversing in French. Pretty soon, the driver, who was Tunesian, also joined into the conversation. Soon enough, he asked where we were coming from. We answered "Houston". He repeated his question - "No, where are you coming from?" We again gave him the same answer - not getting his meaning.
"You mean you are on a DOMESTIC flight?" he asked, surprised.
We nodded.
"It is a DOMESTIC flight, but you have a French-speaking crew?! he continued.
"Mais bien sûr!" I replied - but of COURSE!
My colleagues and I got a giggle out of that one.
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A good friend of mine wrote me once: "one thing I wish pilots and/or flight attendants would
say is: 'over on the right is Lost Wages, NV, and off to your left...' - or whatever." Obviously it's
been a long time since he flew. They don't do that anymore because pilots are busy and
passengers really don't care about all that. They just want transportation.
say is: 'over on the right is Lost Wages, NV, and off to your left...' - or whatever." Obviously it's
been a long time since he flew. They don't do that anymore because pilots are busy and
passengers really don't care about all that. They just want transportation.
Much has changed with air travel over my lifetime. Before, when I was a kid, one dressed
up and it was a big deal. People nowadays want you to shut up and get them there. That's IT.
Then they get off and gripe because flight attendants aren't friendly anymore!!! I refuse to
follow the perceived trend of not caring as I am by nature people-friendly and chatty.
But sometimes things go awry.
up and it was a big deal. People nowadays want you to shut up and get them there. That's IT.
Then they get off and gripe because flight attendants aren't friendly anymore!!! I refuse to
follow the perceived trend of not caring as I am by nature people-friendly and chatty.
But sometimes things go awry.
I was boarding a flight from Newark - a place usually known for its friendly, chatty folks, to
Scotland. The very first passenger to come aboard handed me his boarding pass. I smiled,
welcomed him aboard, and wished the gentleman a good flight. He instantly
SCREAMED at me: "JUST GET ME THERE!"
Scotland. The very first passenger to come aboard handed me his boarding pass. I smiled,
welcomed him aboard, and wished the gentleman a good flight. He instantly
SCREAMED at me: "JUST GET ME THERE!"
Sorry, that's the pilot's job, I thought, but I said nothing, stepped aside and let the charming
not-so-gentle-man get by to his First Class seat, where he treated the flight attendants there
dirt for the whole trip. Such nice folks!
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not-so-gentle-man get by to his First Class seat, where he treated the flight attendants there
dirt for the whole trip. Such nice folks!
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GO AWAY!
On one flight there was a man who evidently did not want to be bothered. I asked him if he'd
like a beverage and there came no answer. I asked again, because I have been accused of
"deliberately" passing by a customer when they failed to tell me what they wanted to drink.
I asked the man a second time, and he screamed to the top of his lungs:
"GO AWAY!"
"Discretion is the better part of valor" Shakespeare wrote, and I proceeded to carry out his
instructions to the letter. I did not ask him later during the flight if he wanted anything, because
I had had an elegant sufficiency of conversation with that man.
On one flight there was a man who evidently did not want to be bothered. I asked him if he'd
like a beverage and there came no answer. I asked again, because I have been accused of
"deliberately" passing by a customer when they failed to tell me what they wanted to drink.
I asked the man a second time, and he screamed to the top of his lungs:
"GO AWAY!"
"Discretion is the better part of valor" Shakespeare wrote, and I proceeded to carry out his
instructions to the letter. I did not ask him later during the flight if he wanted anything, because
I had had an elegant sufficiency of conversation with that man.
IT's BEEN A GAS!!
I get the funniest complaints - smelly customers - large customers - whatever. One lady came into the aft galley and complained because the man in front of her was "farting." I told her that flagellation was a completely normal human activity slightly exacerbated by the lower pressure of an aircraft cabin. I furthermore told her that I had no right to confront the person in question about his bodily activities. She was not happy about my response. What did she want… a Champagne cork for him?
༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶
I get the funniest complaints - smelly customers - large customers - whatever. One lady came into the aft galley and complained because the man in front of her was "farting." I told her that flagellation was a completely normal human activity slightly exacerbated by the lower pressure of an aircraft cabin. I furthermore told her that I had no right to confront the person in question about his bodily activities. She was not happy about my response. What did she want… a Champagne cork for him?
༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶༶
@FINAL CHAPTER🕮
Q I Need A Vacation from Your Vacation!
I was the Lead flight attendant on a flight out of Houston heading south of the border. Every
time I have ever been the person in charge, some crazy thing has happened, which is why I
avoided working that position whenever possible. It was, of course, a full flight. It is ALWAYS a full flight. Happily it was a short one - scheduled for just 1½ hours. Just a short hop over the Gulf of Mexico............. What could happen on a 1½ hour flight???
As I mentioned before, there are people in this world who somehow feel the overwhelming need to bring an inordinate amount of attention to themselves during check-in, boarding, and subsequently throughout the rest of the flight. It's what they do. They enjoy the attention from their captive audience.
Today, it appears, was no exception. During the height of the boarding is the most hectic part of the flight. Everyone is impatiently barrelling past, trying to get to their seats, bashing others around them indiscriminately with their backpacks and then stopping in the aisles for long periods of time -- meticulously putting their suitcases in the overhead compartments - while FIFTY PEOPLE behind them patiently wait as they carefully and SLOWLY align their carry-ons with the utmost of care - oblivious to anyone and everyone waiting for them in an ever-growing line. In 22 years of flying, I NEVER ONCE saw some loud-mouth passenger holler in the aisle: "Hey buddy - MOVE IT!" Instead, the passengers exhibit an unparalleled level of patience and good will, not exhibited just seconds before.
During boarding, the First Class passengers, most of whom have already spent time in the flight lounge and been treated to an array of provisions, need now to be given pre-departure beverages as well. No airline ever examines the practicality of this from the standpoint of those expected to carry out this daunting task. I wonder how many First Class passengers even appreciate what needs to be done just so they can have yet another drink. The pre-departure service necessitates a great deal of scurrying around on their behalf - as a flight attendant must weave through a heavily-obstructed path through a narrow aircraft aisle full of rushing passengers, suitcases, umbrellas, little kids underfoot, and, yep, those darling backpacks which occasionally whack an unwary stew in the face - or elsewhere.
While slithering through all this, the Lead must also make several welcoming announcements as to what flight people have boarded - for the benefit of those who have absolutely no idea where they are flying to. [Strangely, there are many out there who fit into this category!]
When anyone has any questions, such as connecting flight information, how to find a taxi, or the price and availability at the NakaNaka Beachside Resort in Fiji, there is no better, more auspicious moment to do so than to ask the Lead while that person is making the necessary yet usually unheard welcoming announcements. This has the desired effect of causing slight mistakes which, oddly enough, are ALWAYS heard by nearly everyone aboard.
The ruckus was approaching the aircraft and there were visible signs of it, as arms were flailing and heads were violently bobbing above the throng of people who were still filing into the plane. The source of the mayhem was a lady who - strangely - soon filed quietly past me much like a torpedo in dark, murky waters slinks by a non-strategic marker buoy leaving it unscathed on its way to detonate its lethal charge on the hull of some hapless enemy ship.
The charge exploded upon impact as this woman burst out into a verbal tirade worthy of being called an outrage of epic proportions. Despite the decibel level of her shrieking, I could not make out much - except something about missing her connections, and it being our fault. She yelled so badly at the Flight attendant in First class that I almost stopped the flow of customers to call our gate agents for backup. But just as quickly as the banshee-like outburst began, it was over and the noise level dropped to the usual boarding din.
We prepared the cabin for takeoff, and all was quiet on the Western Front... for now. We took our jumpseats, and began our taxi. I was sitting on an inboard, aft-facing seat which commanded an excellent view of the cabin. Suddenly a French passenger in an aisle seat halfway down motioned frantically to me and told me there was an emergency. I went aft to see what the trouble was, and the other passengers all pointed out the lady, yes, the shrieker, who was having full panic-attack - hyperventilating. I immediately informed the captain, who pulled the aircraft off of the active taxiway and onto a special area reserved for such aborted takeoff incidents.
The First Officer exited the flight deck and I escorted him to where the panic-stricken lady was. He asked what was the trouble, and the lady reiterated her boisterous rant about her late plane out of Boston and her connecting flight, and that we all - each and every one of us - was personally responsible for this catastrophe. The First Officer told her to calm down - or, if she wished, we could return to the gate to get her medical assistance.
There was a man sitting next to her who I believe to have been her husband. He was somber and looked like a person who had been embarrassed beyond words. During all this, he spoke not a word. I truly felt sorry for him.
The lady was asked to promise faithfully to behave herself for the remainder of the flight, and she agreed. We took off, and made the flight relatively peacefully, although during the beverage service she told me: "Well I guess everyone on this plane is going to blame ME for our delay!" [YOU THINK!??] I did not grace that comment with a reply.
There was one further incident: After we did the beverage service, a few of us crewmembers were discussing the horrible way that this lady acted, when, as if on-cue, into the aft galley she stormed. Disney would have drawn a caricature of a mean, evil person with fire coming out of her eyes, nose, and mouth, snarling and spewing hate....and I would have signed off for that as a realistic depiction of the woman.
Her face contorted in seething anger, she came up to the hapless young lady who worked in First Class and who initially bore the brunt of Cruella's wrath just minutes before, hissing and growling: "I WANT YOUR NAME!"
As quick as thought, the flight attendant replied defiantly: "I will NOT!"
I then stood up, grasped my ID in my hand and held it so she could easily read it, and said, about as firmly and deliberately as I have ever spoken to a living soul in my entire life: "This is MY ID. I am in charge of this aircraft. This is my employee number." Looked at her straight in the eye, and went up close to her, paused briefly for effect, and said: "You have done nothing but create havoc and mayhem aboard this aircraft ever since you first boarded. You have had your say! Now get back to your seat, sit down and be silent for the rest of the trip, or so help me I will have the authorities meet the flight when we arrive!"
"Yes, sir." came a subdued reply, and she went back to her seat.
I got a few pats on the back as I went up the aisle to take my jumpseat, and several folks thanked me for keeping my cool as they filed out of the plane when we reached our destination. Even the lady smiled slightly to me as she left. I was expecting her to follow up with a complaint to the company, and boy was I ready!
We were all frazzled. That 1½ hour flight felt like an eternity. I was tired, nervous, and still very upset at what happened. I got to the Customs checkpoint, and was just placing my bags onto the X-ray conveyor when someone tapped me on my shoulder.
"I want your NAME!" said a man in a serious voice.
I nearly broke down then and there - I looked at the gentleman and asked unbelievingly: "What did I do to YOU?!?!"
The man put his arm over my shoulder and said: "I saw the whole thing! That woman is going to complain about you to the company, and when she does, you call me as a witness. I'm FURIOUS! I am going to write a letter just as soon as I get to the hotel!"
Our crew was silent as we took the van to our hotel. No matter how beautiful, how nice, and how luxurious the accommodations were, I had a fitful night's sleep, thanks to that lady.
I forgot to mention our final destination. That is the best part. Our short 1½ hour flight was to CANCÚN, México!!! This woman made all that fuss for being an hour late to arrive at a VACATION RESORT !!!!
The rest of us needed a vacation from HER vacation!
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AIRPORTS and airport frustrations:
http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/06/institution-of-aggravation.html
A serious medical emergency:http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-heartfelt-lullaby-tiho-noce.html
Miscellaneous stores from the Theatre of the Bizarre!
http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/08/air-lines.html
September 11 - my story:
http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/09/above-us-only-sky.html
An emergency landing! http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/09/fate-denied.htm
Being sent home: http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/10/air-lines-deportee.html
A childhood view from the ground: http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/05/an-observation-autumn-1958.html
A comical international incident involving a Russian lady and her cat:
https://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/06/cat-tales-boris-and-pussy-patrol.html
A serious medical emergency:http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-heartfelt-lullaby-tiho-noce.html
Miscellaneous stores from the Theatre of the Bizarre!
http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/08/air-lines.html
September 11 - my story:
An emergency landing! http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/09/fate-denied.htm
Being sent home: http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2018/10/air-lines-deportee.html
A childhood view from the ground: http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/05/an-observation-autumn-1958.html
A comical international incident involving a Russian lady and her cat:
https://kennyduke.blogspot.com/2014/06/cat-tales-boris-and-pussy-patrol.html
Links to all of my stories can be found here:
http://kennyduke.blogspot.com/p/welcome.html
